Parts Work + Healing Past Versions of You

In this episode I share about the healing work I've been doing recently. In particular, I discuss using "parts work", more formally known as Internal Family Systems (IFS), to heal a past version of myself (age 15) that recently showed up in my present day (age 34). It was an INTENSE experience to be inside of but healing it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be just as soon as I realized what I (all versions of me) actually needed.

I also offer some easy tips for how to heal past versions of yourself using parts work and share how this kind of healing is actually very much QUANTUM in nature.

Book recommendation: No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz


Ways to Work with Kristina:

Apply to work 1:1 with Kristina: https://kristina-furia.mykajabi.com/coaching

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Transcript

Welcome to the, your new frequency podcast with me, Kristina Furia, this podcast is all about teaching you how to tap into the hidden potential that exists within an all around you. There is so much more to life than what most of us have been taught, and we are so much more powerful than what most of us can even fathom. So my intention is to help you to not just understand that intellectually, but to develop such a deeply felt sense of inner knowing that there is no other conceivable choice except to embody this truth and to use it to go forward in creating a life that you are absolutely in love. With 

Welcome to season two, episode two, I am really super pumped to share this episode with you all, because it really, it, I think it offers a powerful opportunity to really look at some different parts of yourself that are perhaps in need of some healing that you don't yet realize that you don't yet realize are perhaps even there within you. And if you do realize that they're there, that perhaps you don't realize that they're needing some love, they are needing some TLC. So before I dive into the personal story, that led me to want to share this with you guys. I want to talk a little bit about the modality. It's a sort of a therapeutic technique. I suppose, that this way of thinking that I'm going to be describing, known as parts work originates from. So parts work is from the type of therapy called I F S, which stands for internal family systems. 

And it was founded by Dr. Richard Swartz, believe the first work that he put out to the world on it was back in 1987, which is also the year that I was put into this world. And it's really, it is it's funny because when I was a therapist, I actually didn't really know very much about his work. And now as a post therapist, I guess we can say, I have come to know and value his teachings. So, so deeply. So as a quick aside, if you're interested in learning more about this work about internal family systems, you can check out any one of his books, but the one that I particularly enjoy is called no bad parts. So the idea of parts is really opposed to what most of us, just about all of us, I think have been taught to believe, which is that we have really just one mind, you know, we have one mind that dictates the way we think and our experience and, you know, really just that we are one. Um, and so when you start thinking about parts work at first, it almost seems like we're kind of talking about having like multiple personalities or a dissociative identity disorder, which is the official name for multiple personality disorder, but it's not about being disordered at all. It's actually just a really astute way of looking at what happens to the human mind as we move through life as we navigate life and its many challenges. 

So there are, we all have many different parts. Most of those parts are protective in nature. There are always parts of us that are looking to simply keep us safe. And of course, this is, this is sort of, um, how do I want to say this is like evolutionary in nature. We are always looking for, we're always looking to survive. And so our psyches are constantly seeking various methods for keeping us safe because that ensures our survival. However, in the process of that occurring of that, you know, effort to keep us safe, what ends up happening is a lot of those parts, which are really there. The parts are the age that we were whenever it became necessary. So to give a really quick example of this, let's just say that when you were 11 years old, you started getting bullied at school. And the result of that is that a part of you came to exist. That is very, very tough. You know, you didn't want to be bullied anymore. And so a part showed up to protect you. That really is just a hard-ass. And so now you might be in your thirties or forties or beyond, and that part is still with you. You have a part of you that is very tough and unwilling to be vulnerable. And so ultimately that part, while you yourself, maybe 35, 55, whatever age you are, that part until it is acknowledged and seen and loved is still 11 years old inside of you. 

And actually, I guess this is a perfect moment to dive into the personal story that I wanted to share with you guys, which it's so funny recently, I've been noticing that I have been called to share certain things about my personal life and experience that at a level one part of me really would almost prefer not to share because it feels safer not to, but after having spoken with that part, I am in acknowledgement of the fact that doing some of this more personal sharing has a lot of value, not just to myself, but also to the people who are able to receive what I'm sharing. So with that, my personal story goes a little, something like this. I have been working with a coach recently who is a male, and that is not typical for me and most of the work that I've done over the years and in therapy. 

Um, and also with coaches have, it's generally been that I work with with women. And many of you also know that I identify as a gay woman. I've been out as such since I was 15 or 16 years old. So as a result of that, um, I haven't had as many as many, um, interactions with men as of course, a straight woman might have had despite my being 34 years old. So working with a male has really presented kind of this new experience for me. And so just recently we, you know, given that it's pandemic times, I've never actually met him in person. And just recently we finally did meet, we had a day long, deep dive kind of, um, session. You know, we were together for like eight or nine hours. It was a lot of really intense work. And, you know, it was amazing. 

It was cathartic for me and really vulnerable and all the things, but as a result of it being so vulnerable and it being, like I said, one of the first instances where I was really vulnerable with a male presence, I in the aftermath. So I left that day and I was like, this is amazing. Like, I feel so good. I feel like I worked through so many things. I'm like laying down old stuff that no longer serves me. Like I just was feeling so good. And then as the days were on, I found myself stuck in a part in a young part and I absolutely could not figure out what was happening with me. All I knew was that I felt so much shame. I felt so embarrassed or I'm having been so vulnerable. And I felt, I guess I just sort of continued to feel vulnerable, but not in a way that's like, oh, well this is nice being vulnerable can feel good. 

It can feel safe. I felt vulnerable in a way that was sort of petrifying. And I started kind of spiraling out, which these days isn't like me, there's a past version of me that knew a good spiral all too well, but not like me anymore. And so I got really curious, like what is happening here? And eventually I realized that a young part of me, particularly a 15 year old part of me, maybe 14 had really come to the forefront and was steering my thinking and my decision-making and just really causing me to be kind of stuck inside of that spiral that I was describing. And so once I realized, okay, so you're stuck in a part, then the work becomes, how do you figure out what that part needs? So I do identify as a gay woman as a lesbian, but also I don't hold on very tightly to that label, to those labels. 

Um, I feel often that labels are restricting that they're limiting. And to me personally, they're not as important as they used to be. So I just kind of say that as an aside, as I share that when I was 14 years old, I had a crush on a boy and really this was the only time in life that I ever liked a boy. So his name was Anton and I just was like madly in love with him or, you know, so I thought I was a 14 year old, could be madly in love with somebody. And he was somebody who was a friend kind of, and somebody that, you know, we would sit together and like talk over lunch kind of a thing. And so we had developed a certain level of intimacies, certain level of vulnerability, but then it eventually for however, it happened, like it came into my experience that he was not interested in me the way that I was interested in him, but I had shown up and I had really like allowed myself to be seen by him. 

You know, we were having like deep conversations as kids talking about, you know, just interesting things like for, again, for kids, I remember talking about like clothing, how we're, how we're overly defined by our clothes. And you know, what really matters like we were, we were diving into stuff that was interesting to me and I liked it. I liked him. And so when he, knowing that he saw me and that he met that much of me met the inner workings of my mind and that he didn't like me, it was such a deep wound and ultimately that same year and this part, you know, I think is important to note as well. Um, because oftentimes I do believe that parts have more of a likelihood of, of getting stuck in those particular ages when there's trauma involved as well. So I was wounded by him not liking me, but that of course was just like a regular kid thing to go through. 

But that same year I also experienced a trauma. And as a result of that trauma, a lot of things started to change for me. And so my hypothesis at least, is being, you know, vulnerable with him and then rejected and then leading right into a trauma that, that part really got just kind of stuck there as that 15 year old girl. So anyway, coming back into the present moment after having had the session with my coach and then all of a sudden spiraling out, like I literally was sending him notes being like, I just like, don't know how to look you in the eyes. Like I was too vulnerable and I can't take it. Like I cannot take that I have been seen in this way. And so anyway, once I realized that it related back to 15 year old, me and my crush on Anton and you know, all of the stuff, all of the pain and the wounds that went with that I allowed myself to. 

So my 34 year old self, I allowed her to meet my 15 year old self. And, you know, I actually, as soon as I attempted it, I saw her really clearly she's such a cutie pie. Um, I saw myself at, at my high school. Um, I always had like, kind of like crazy hair, all like curly and wild. And I just was like, so sweet, so vulnerable, so raw in so many ways. And so I saw her and I just kind of sat myself down next to her. And at first I didn't know exactly what she needed. I just was like feeling into her presence a little bit. And then I, it kind of just came to me, like just rub her back a little bit. So I imagined 34 year old me just rubbing 15 year old me's back and just saying, you're okay. 

Like, everything's going to be okay, here you are safe. And then I kind of felt myself in the moment, like present me. I felt myself relax a little bit. So I took out my journal and I just started writing through like what it is that she needed to hear. And so then finally that was when I made all of the connections that I just shared with you about the crush, et cetera, et cetera. And I just wrote down to her, you are safe and you are loved, and it doesn't matter if any one person saw you and didn't want you in a particular way, or didn't validate you in the way that you thought that you were going to be validated or thought that you should have been validated. You are worthy, you are loved, you are lovable. And then I just kind of put the notebook away. 

And I, I stepped, I stepped aside from it for a bit and that was at night. So then the next day I woke up and I noticed that my mind had calmed down. I noticed that I was no longer hyper focusing on what had happened. The fact that I had been vulnerable with my coach, the fact that I had allowed myself to be seen. And the most powerful thing that happened was I stopped worrying about what he was thinking, because I had been the thread since that in-person day that I described, I just kept thinking, what does he think of me? Does he think that, you know, I'm unlovable? Does he think that I am, you know, weak or silly or, you know, that my vulnerability in some way made me undesirable? And so suddenly I just noticed that I stopped thinking that, and not only did I stop thinking it, I stopped caring because I just knew that the self validation was really all that was required. 

And so it was only through actually needing that part of me, that young part of me, that I was able to heal that wound and to really open myself up to a new experience of something that I desperately wanted to have a new experience of, you know, I didn't want to be in this place of spiraling thinking and worrying about someone else's opinion, you know, I didn't want to be there. And so it was through meeting that 15 year old self that I was able to get beyond. And I think what's so important to understand about this practice that I'm describing is I, wasn't just kind of like in an abstract way, connecting with my 15 year old self, this is an actual practice of true connection with past versions of ourselves. Because ultimately, while we experienced as human beings, time as linear, like I can't go back in time, 10 minutes or 20 minutes, and I can't make myself move forward 10 or 20 minutes. 

I have to wait those for those minutes to pass in order to get to that future moment. However, at the level of the true nature of this universe that we live in this quantum energetic universe that we live in time is not linear in that way. Time is non-linear in the sense that actually all versions of us exist right now. So when I made the decision to go ahead and access that 15 year old version of myself, I actually really was accessing her. And as I did that, I created a change to her experience. I helped her to heal. I helped her to make her way through the pain of being that 15 year old girl with more ease. And so in doing that, I not only healed that 15 year old, but I also healed my 34 year old self as well. And then I guess the last piece to share here is that once I did that, once I was able to address that part and to help her to relax and to feel at ease, I was able to come back into what we would think of as the true self, which every one of us has, the part of us that is truly us, that's purely us. 

And that isn't in any way governed or impacted by our part or by the things that have happened to us in life. It's the essence of us. And so I want to encourage you as you continue navigating life and noticing your behaviors, your thoughts, the things that you experienced, start looking for these parts of yourself. What part of you is showing up in a moment where you're noticing that you wish something was different about your experience in a moment where you noticed that you wish that you could be more vulnerable or you wish that you could be more strong or you wish that you could love yourself more or any other thing really check in with yourself about whether there is a younger part of you that just simply needs to be spoken to with some love. It just simply needs to receive a hug and be told that everything's going to be okay, because if you can learn to do that, learn to access those younger parts of you not look away from 'em in shame or in disgust or fear, but to actually look at that part of you with love and then help them to have a new experience in that moment, you'll find that you're able to go forward in new ways with much, much more ease. 

And of course, that's what this is all about, right? We want to have a richness of experience in our lives. And when we're held back by past parts of ourselves, it's very difficult to do that because we are, it's kind of like being stuck in the past. So I hope that you have found this episode, my story, to be valuable and to have, if nothing else giving you some, some good food for thought here. And as always, I would love to hear your thoughts. So if this is something that you connected with, if this is something that you relate to feel free to share it with me, you can DM me on Instagram. You can send me an email. You can leave it in a review or love to hear your thoughts on this subject and just what it means for you. So that's all for now. I will see you in episode three, which will likely be out in a couple of weeks. I'm currently kind of recording these episodes just as it feels aligned. Does it feel as good to me? So I'm not sure of the exact release date, but they will be gradually trickling out. So you can look forward to that. And I will look forward to connecting with you sometime soon. Be well 

I'm Kristina Furia, and this is the year a new frequency podcast. If you liked what you heard, it would mean so much. If you would press subscribe and leave me a review to let me know what you think so far, I'll see you next time.